


If You're Reading This, Bucky Barnes

by fallendarlings



Category: Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, I am so so so sorry for this, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Read at Your Own Risk, Steve wrote Bucky a love letter, Suicide, and I legitimately hate myself right now, bucky wrote steve a love letter, but its also a suicide note, but no comfort, but without further ado, definitely not a fix it, first off I would like to say, im a horrible person, nothing is okay and everything hurts, okay i feel you are all duly warned, the actual tags, you should all know what you're getting into before you read
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-14
Updated: 2016-06-14
Packaged: 2018-07-14 23:31:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7195676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fallendarlings/pseuds/fallendarlings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If you're reading this, I love you and I'm sorry I never told you. </p>
<p>Or, the one that is most definitely not a fix it fic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If You're Reading This, Bucky Barnes

**Author's Note:**

> Remember when Seb said that the only thing keeping Bucky from committing suicide was Steve......... Yeah. That.

He had nothing left. 

He was alone. 

Bucky stared down at the letter that was clenched tight in his shaking hand, too scared to read it but too scared not to, too. The last thing he'd expected when they woke him up from cryo was to be told that a hydra soldier had caught Steve unawares during a covert mission and had taken him out with a single bullet to the head. 

It was Bucky's fault. 

If he hadn't insisted on going under until they could get the trigger words out of his mind, he would have accompanied Steve on that mission. He would have been holed up on one of the rafters with a sniper rifle and he would have taken down the guy before he got anywhere near Steve. 

He had no one left in the entire world and it was all his fault. 

He didn't bother to wipe away the tears that were silently slipping down his cheeks as he stared at the unopened letter. Sure, there was Sam and Clint and Wanda and Scott and even T'Challa. But they weren't his friends. They were Steve's. And they had put up with him because he was also Steve's friend, his right hand man. It was his job to protect Steve. It always had been. 

And he let him die. 

There was a knock on the door of the supply closet he had barricaded himself in upon being told the news. "Bucky?" Sam's voice made him shudder. Sam was Steve's other closest friend. He was also grieving. Bucky had failed them both. "Hey, man, I get what you're going through, I do. But maybe it's not such a good idea to be alone right now."

"You don't get it." Bucky choked the words out. Sam couldn't possibly get it. Sure, he might have known Steve a couple of years. But he hadn't desperately, irrevocably loved him since childhood like Bucky had. Hadn't helped him through hundreds of illnesses that almost took his life, hadn't been willing to die a million times over just so Steve had a chance to live. He would never _get it_. "Just...leave, Wilson."

He waited until Sam's footsteps faded away before looking back down at the letter. Sam had given it to him after telling him what had happened and informed _Steve kept this in a special pocket in his uniform. It has your name on it._ His hand shook as he unfolded it.

_Dear Bucky,  
If you are reading this, then I am dead. I can't say I'm ready for death, although a few years ago, until you showed up in my life again, I wanted nothing more. You see, after you fell (I will never forgive myself for that, by the way), it was like suddenly I was dead too. I went through the motions of living, but my heart died in that mountain pass with you. I had but one goal before I physically died, and that was to take out Hydra. I did that, at least as much as I could. With the Red Skull dead, there was no need for me any longer. I could have landed the plane safely. Instead, I chose to put it in the water because I didn't want to live in a world where you weren't with me. When I woke up...it was awful. I didn't want to be alive, in the future, and still be without you. If not for the constant surveillance on me those first few months, I would have tried to end it again. After the battle of New York, I realized that people still needed me, no matter how miserable I was. And so I stayed. I never let anyone see, only let my misery and grief and guilt rise to the surface at night, when I was truly alone. Yes, I loved my new friends. But they never understood me the way you do. And they never will. God, if you're reading this, Buck, you must know. You are my entire world. It's you. It's always been you. I fell in love with you when I was six years old and you pulled me out of a mud puddle. I realized it when I was sixteen and you were trying to teach me to dance. I never said anything and for that I am so sorry. I don't know how you feel about me. Maybe you're reading this and you're appalled because, yes, the dumb punk you claim as your best friend is head over heels, moony eyed, want to kiss you until I remember what having asthma felt like, in love with you. Maybe you feel the same way. I guess I'll never know._

Bucky lowered the letter, a sob catching in his throat. Steve...Stevie had loved him. As much as Bucky loved him back. And they would never have a chance to see what could have been. His breath came in quick, choking gasps, his teeth digging into his lower lip until he tasted blood. He was numb and at the same time everything hurt worse than all of the torture Hydra had subjected him to combined. Why hadn't he ever _said anything_? Half the reason he'd gone into cryo was because he didn't know if he could emotionally handle Steve being in a relationship with that Sharon woman. Steve had _died_ because Bucky was _jealous_ of someone Steve didn't even love. Because he had loved Bucky. He flung his wrist across his mouth, biting down hard on the flesh as a strangled scream escaped him. He couldn't do this. He couldn't do this. He couldn't _do this_. 

And he hadn't even finished reading the letter. 

Sucking in several shaking breaths that just turned into sobs, he wiped the back of his hand across eyes to clear the blinding tears before turning his attention back to the crumpled page. 

_And somehow I got entirely off topic of what I was saying. When I was fighting you on the causeway, I knew there was something hauntingly familiar about the empty eyes of my attacker. When I pulled your mask off and you didn't know me....it felt like I was dying all over again. I didn't know what you had been through, but I knew it had to be something nightmarishly horrible to make it where you didn't recognize me. I would have let you shoot me down right there, would have stood and taken a fatal bullet. But Natasha shot first and when I looked back to you, you were gone. On the helicarrier, I only fought you long enough to complete my mission so that the millions of people targeted could live. Once that was done, I did my very best to break you from the programming but I would have let you kill me then too. I would have deserved it for letting you fall. After you pulled me from the river, after I realized you had broken out of the programming, I suddenly felt like I could breathe again. Like there was a reason for living. But I couldn't find you. I thought maybe you were mad at me for letting you fall. Goodness knows, I was mad enough at myself. I wouldn't have blamed you if you never wanted to see me again. It's my fault you were tortured for over seventy years. After Vienna, I knew even if you didn't want to see me, I had a chance to save you. I wasn't going to let you die again. So many times I wanted to just blurt out everything. But I was so scared. I had just gotten you back. I didn't want to lose you because my stupid heart loves you more than anything in the world. When we were in the elevator in Siberia, I wanted to kiss you so badly. But like I said, I was a coward. After you went into cryo, I knew that if something happened to me, I wanted there to be a way for you to know. If you're reading this, I love you Bucky Barnes and I'm sorry I never told you._  
_To the end of the line, Jerk._  
_Steve_. 

_***_

Sam Wilson found Bucky Barnes in the supply closet the next morning. There was a gun laying next to him and a bullet hole in his forehead. His torso was covered in slashes from the knife that was also found at his side. Laying on his chest were two letters. One, the one that Steve had written. And the other....well, Sam stood for a long time at the top of the stairs after reading it. 

___Dear Stevie,_  
_If you're reading this, then I am dead too. I can say I am ready for this, because without you, I have nothing to live for. You're all I had in the entire world. You are my world. Always have been. You see, it was my job to protect you and it always has been. (I will never forgive myself for failing you.) My heart died in that Hydra lab with you. It's time my body died also. For the record, I loved you the minute I saw you, I realized it when you kept stepping on my toes because you were too busy watching my face rather than our feet while I was trying to teach you to dance. I never said anything either. For the record, I wanted nothing more than to shove you against the wall in that elevator and kiss you until I found out what it felt like to have asthma. If you're reading this, I love you Stevie Rogers and I'm sorry I never told you._  
_To the end of the line, Punk_.  
_Bucky._

**Author's Note:**

> come yell at me on tumblr: angstplums  
> or twitter: buckycurls

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [The rhythm of my footsteps crossing flatlands to your door (have been silenced forevermore)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7208168) by [captain_trashmouth](https://archiveofourown.org/users/captain_trashmouth/pseuds/captain_trashmouth)




End file.
